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avengers

Wise Words?

So I meant to write about this awhile ago ... but things kept coming up ...

As I left campus on my bday, Bunny and I were chatting and I mentioned my 18 years of age and she responded with a very prophetic, somewhat reflective statement:

"18 years young, to have your whole life ahead of you, how great!"

Now I know Bunny didn't have a single bad intention when she said that, and it really did touch me, but I can't help but think....
That expression "you have your whole life ahead of you" really bothers me. Maybe it's because it's usually changed around to be "you had your whole life ahead of you". It seems so morbid, but still. I hear it and all I can hear is my inner conciense adding on " ... so don't fuck up!".  Oh man, life, you perplex me.

Lately, I've been searching for purpose, mainly in literature. I've read so many books, spiritual (The Alchemist) to godless (The Book of Laughter and Forgetting - my current read, old (A Death in the Family) to new (The Perks of Being a Wallflower), wise (The Unbearable Lightness of Being) to somewhat superficial (White Noise). I keep telling myself I've found something deep and significant but I haven't. I've found deep thought but don't really know how to grasp them.

On one hand I keep hearing that the little things right now (eg. my prom date's decision to replace me) are just a minute part of life, and I believe it, but I dunno I can't integrate the thought. Meanwhile, I keep wondering what I should be doing. Readings tell me to follow my dreams, but be practical, but be idealist, but be pragmatic and I just don't know. And I get it, I SHOULDN'T know ... but man things are just fucked up. Life just is one mind game after the other.

I suppose an important part of life is "dreams". Dreams have also been peeking my interest since the ALS speaker convinced me I should do something to just once enjoy life. The thing is, I don't really know what my dreams are. I don't know what I want out of love, out of a career, out of life. All I really know is I want to go somewhere far and isolated, but green and beautiful, and just lie down and relax. Ignore email, phone calls, and everything else. But I know if I get there I might just get bored and leave.

Speaking of leaving, I'm leaving AHS if I make it thru the next month. What a great thought, leaving AHS. Still, I can't help but worry I didn't think broad enough when applying ... Occidental isn't going to be the place I want. But then again, I've been known to set too high of standards. My expectations, especially of friends, have been called unfair.

I recently hung out with a new group of friends, and I took a deep breath for the first time in a while. No egg shells, no making sure I wasn't talking about the wrong people etc. Just me interacting.

I have AP Spanish tomorrow, which I haven't studied for and will be failing (for all you graduated kids they made the test 10x harder). I should be focusing on my priorities, but how do you get to the more loftier thoughts if you only think about now?

Yours Sincerely,
Zach

Comments

More times like this, please!

"I recently hung out with a new group of friends, and I took a deep breath for the first time in a while. No egg shells, no making sure I wasn't talking about the wrong people etc. Just me interacting."
avengers

October 2008

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